Looking back at 26
Preparing for a store opening and a birthday at the same time has been more difficult that I originally thought it would be. Add in a sister’s 14th death anniversary and realizing it’s be 6 months since your grandmother’s death and you’d be astonished to just make it out of bed in time enough to not decide to sleep the week away.
Did I mention I still have to bake a two-tone cake and decorate it still? And dye my hair and do my nails. Because I need to do all of that tonight.
26, The Unwanted Number
As I reflect back on 26, I realize that the past three years are finally starting to catch up on me. No joke, every time I get carded there’s a weird impulse reaction that makes me want to tell people that I’m 23. It’s like my mind has been gripping onto the life I had at age 23 and was trying to drag it out as long as humanly possible. Now that 27 is fast approaching (you know, seeing as how it’s tomorrow), I find myself forgetting and trying to keep myself from blurting out 28. I went from gripping onto 23 to depressingly accepting 28. This is my brain, people.
Life in at Glance
I came into 26 like I came into 2013: not thrilled. I knew the next birthday I celebrated that would be a “big deal” would be 30. My mind instantly went to my biological clock and my bucket list and anxiety rose within me. I was still really unsure of what it was I wanted in life and felt disappointed every time I went into my blog feed and read about the lives of people who figured it out sooner than I did.
After the craziness of NaNoWriMo and Movember last year, the pieces of the puzzle before me started to become more clear. Everything was starting to make a lot more sense. I registered for classes once more at my local community college and told myself this was it. This was the time I went back to school and finished. I had decided on a degree and planned out my semesters. As I watched the fireworks burst into fantastical shapes and beautiful colors over the Golden Gate Bridge, I knew that while I could feel that 2013 was going to suck, I was going to make shit happen. I had to.
In late January, everything began to fall apart and all I could do was standby and watch it happen. My grandma passed away at the end of February, and plans for my trip to Europe crumbled two days before leaving for her funeral. My midterms happened during the week I was gone, as well as the last date to drop the classes. I ended up several months behind on my bills and gave up on living. Sure, I was waking up, getting dressed, going to work, seeing friends, but I didn’t feel like I was living. Just… going through the motions. It wasn’t like I was having survivor’s guilt or anything, I think I was worried of the next big event in my life happening because I knew she wouldn’t be there to see it happen. Which is stupid, because I believe strongly in the possibility of an afterlife and the existence of ghosts and what have you.
That’s how October Rose Boutique’s conception saved me from myself. It just made so much sense. Part of me hated myself for the first few weeks for not thinking of this while she was still alive to see it all happen, but I can feel her with me. Every time I work a little bit on the store, I can feel her monitoring my progress over my shoulder and mmhmm-ing every once in a while. It’s nice.
With 27 being roughly 12 hours away from happening without my permission, I’ve been trying to figure out what I want it to be. Whenever I enter a new age or a new year, I go in with the mentality of, “this is the one word I want to use to describe the next year of my life.” I went into 26 with worry and concern. As I stared at the birthday card my grandmother gave me last year, what I now sadly will know it as “the last birthday card she ever gave me,” I told myself that this was the year I made shit happen and turned dreams into goals into reality. I didn’t want this life of dreaming and never achieving anymore. This is the life-year that I leave the country and visit foreign lands, not to mourn the end of one’s life, but to celebrate the life I’ve got to live right now. This is the life-year I open my online store and make dream of always wanting to own and run my own business a reality.
Yes, 27 is going to be the year I make dreams happen no matter how stressful it gets or how many setbacks I run into. The best things in life are worth fighting for.
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